Vampirism
by E5Gfreak
Summary: Isabella contemplates her relationships towards the Cullen clan members, and decides that perhaps it was the idea of vampirism what appealed her most about Edward. If so, is there perhaps another who would fit her criteria as her eternal mate? And when will she finally be changed already!


The luster and newness of my discovery concerning the vampire world was slowly starting to diminish; similarly to the difference in the humidity and temperature that I felt when I moved from Arizona to Forks. I was slowly starting to acclimate and truly integrate in the strange world of the supernatural, even though I was the anomaly. Sometimes being different is truly special, but in this case where the world I had come to know is filled with danger, my humanity has become nothing but a curse. Yet, for some strange reason these vampires I had come to associate myself with dotted on my weakness.

I soon found out that the luster of this new world was extended towards my own relationships with these vegetarian vampires. The more they kept referring to my humanity and avoiding the topic of my changing, the more I began to cumulate small amounts of resentment. I even started wondering whether they liked me for myself or for the fact that I possessed their desired humanity.

They did everything a human did; or they tried to recreate all their actions to as close as they could be for a vampire.

For vampires whose actual age would deem them as my great-great-great grandparents, they attended high-school filled with hormonal teenager whom I myself found annoying. They had done it for so long, that they had even made it a running joke amongst themselves.

Why would they torture themselves trying to pretend being something that they're not, and excuse it as trying to blend in and stop from being found out by the human population?

Was humanity that much of a temptation to them that gradually they had forgotten the horrors that accompanied it!

Being a human does not necessarily mean that you are good, or that you will be inherently happy in your lifetime. Life in itself does not allow for such conclusions to be made, since basically it is filled with struggle and nothing comes for free in it.

Did Rosalie's humanity made her happy, because I truly beg to differ! It was that same humanity that gang-raped her in that alley and left her for dead.

Does a creature that denies their own hunger to perform the noble act of preserving life while starving itself, is truly soulless? You do not see all of humanity being vegetarian now, do you? We still slaughter cows, chickens and many other animals even when our stomach can be filled and stratified without any meaty products. Yes, the vegetarianism that the Cullen's have identified themselves with is even more humane than what a human basically does. But being Humane does not truly make sense when talking about vampires.

And yet, I had come to resent their noble ways. I suppose this is due to the fact that they deny what I wish with such arguments that I consider truly weak. The only downside that can be drawn from being a vampire is the inability to reproduce. But in my defense, having a mother like Renee makes the idea of having children sound like the worst torture to befall on me.

They try to make everything around them as a human experience that I MUST experience! Really, I bet that watching the sunset as a vampire would be a much more satisfying experience than a human. Vampires have much better vision, and they can see in many more colors than a human eye can perceive. Though the Cullen's are very noble creatures concerning humans and their feeding, that does not extend towards their own world.

I basically saw them rip a vampire (their own species) apart for a human! Not that I'm complaining, but I would not put another species life over my owns; just like I would never put my friend's life over my mother's.

I'd long ago come to the conclusion that if it weren't for the Cullen family, I would have easily decided on a human diet if I ever turned. I suppose I hate being judged, and I found out that that is exactly another one of the Cullen's specialty.

I'm not trying to badmouth them since I obviously still love and adore them, but when it came to high expectations they were pro's. They (Rosalie, Edward etc.) expected me to remain human and be protected when in reality; their own expectations were killing me. My own personality fronts me as an independent and prideful creature, and being part of the supernatural world as a human makes me anything but that.

At first I had liked being taken care of considering Renee. After a while it became an annoyance until instead of being the prideful creature that I was in Arizona, I had come to feel self-conscious and my self-worth had plummeted.

Being around such beautiful creatures made me feel like I was the ugly duckling of the Cullen group! Ironic how my last name is Swan!

I always hear Edward talking of how forgivable and selfless creature that I was, when in reality I was the most selfish person you would ever come to meet.

Seriously, being around the Cullen's made me act in such a way that I would laugh at the way they were describing me.

I didn't take care of Renee because I was selfless and loved her; I did it because if I didn't, we would have ended up in the streets a long time ago. I had even come to resent her over the years for my missing childhood. The only reason I didn't want to come to Forks was my hope that mother dear would have left the house in Arizona for me to live in while she gallivanted with her young husband.

Even after the years I'd wasted taking care of her, she still didn't bother doing the only thing I actually wanted her to do for me. Instead she sold her house needing the money for her next THING (that's what she called her flighty hobbies), and flew me off to my father who was practically a stranger to me. I barely knew Charlie.

If anything my relationship with Charlie I had deemed as a business deal. I cook for him, and he provided me with a roof above my head. I know the man is a sweetheart, but I was always a loner and very closed off towards people. I figured I didn't need another Renee in my life, and that's how I basically saw everyone around me. My peers were nothing but annoying kids considering the fact that I had to mature fast for the sake of survival.

No wonder Edward couldn't read my mind, considering my own misanthropic views!  
What I'd liked about the Cullen's was the fact that they were much older than how they appeared, and yet now I can finally see something amiss concerning them.

Older they were, but their bodies cursed them from truly growing up.

Edward had been stuck in that angsty teenager phase when everything was depressing, while Rosalie had been turned at a horrible point in her life. Betrayed, raped, and then stuck in a never-changing psyche is not my idea of a happily ever after forever.

Carlisle on the other hand was stuck with the idealistic views of his father concerning humanity when he (his father) basically tried to destroy the same creature that Carlisle had turned into; his father's foolishness had condemned him the eternity that he basically hated.

Esme had been turned after a failed attempt of suicide due to the death of her infant son. If she deemed her life pointless without a child, then what made Carlisle think that she would love to live forever as a vampire? Vampires can't have children!

It's the poor and lack of choices towards vampirism that is truly a curse in this case, not the fact that they are vampires.

And that choice that they deny me is what is making me so frustrated and resentful.

I'd come to resent Edward, and I'd even come to view him as nothing but a 17 year old angsty teenager.

The dazzling of vampire-hood had faded and those features that I liked were only geared towards his vampire side. If Edward was a human, I guarantee you that I would not look his way twice.

I'm a very rational creature, and as such a creature I always found the idea of being the top of the food chain enticing. It's not only the beauty of the vampire that I was attracted to concerning Edward, it was basically everything concerning and being a product of vampirism that I desired.

Even the Idea of being frozen psyche-wise was enticing! I always wanted to thoroughly know myself, and as a human we constantly change. This fickle change towards every little thing truly leaves you clueless towards who you are. That is why humans struggle with that question throughout their lifetime.

I want to know myself in every single way, and given the fact that I would be immortal and never-changing, such an opportunity would be possible. Let's leave the fact that our every quirk is enhanced as a vampire.

Not only that, but immortality would provide me with the time to basically study everything and anything I wanted. I could read every book ever written, and see the world changing in front of me with my very own eyes.

I could even live up to an era where technology would advance so much, that things such as interstellar travel was possible.

So many opportunities would arise, and I would even be able to choose my own time to die if I wasn't killed first.

My time of death would be of my own choice.


End file.
